Matthew 11:29-30
Today
on Facebook, I read one of those e-cards that I actually liked (which doesn’t
happen extremely often). It said, “Men: if you ever wanna know what a woman’s
mind feels like, imagine a browser with 2,857 tabs open. All. The. Time.” I
couldn’t describe myself better. I, probably along with the majority of all
human beings, am in the middle of a constant struggle. A struggle between being
grateful for all the Lord has provided and being concerned when looking at the
reality of some of the present needs and needs to come. A struggle between
thinking about things entirely too much and not thinking things through enough.
A struggle between every role that is played in this life. Wife. Mother-to-be.
Daughter. Granddaughter. Sister. Aunt. Niece. Friend. … Secretary. Taxi driver.
Cook. Housekeeper. Accountant. And the list could go one…for all of us, the
list could go on.
As the
birth of my baby approaches, although hopefully not too soon, I find myself
very much at peace until I allow the words, advice, or good intentions of
others to take me away from my secret place. If, at one time, I have taken
burdens and given them to the Lord, in an instant, I see that I have taken them
right back. It’s like instead of placing them on an altar, I am simply a lender
insisting on returns…with interest. Stupid interest that doesn’t even make
sense because interest is supposed to be something that is good for the lender;
however, since I’m not supposed to be lending my burdens at all, I suppose it’s
all stupid.
Here’s
the deal: I have been concerned for a few days now that this baby is going to
come early. The biggest issue with this is that I would love to be able to have
a homebirth. There are many opinions on that, so let me say that I do not think
homebirth is the only way to go, but it is the way I would like to go, if
possible. For my midwives here, I have to make it to 37 weeks in order for that
to become a reality. I’ve been hesitant to truly document that decision for
fear that something in the process may not work out; that worry is behind me.
If others pass judgment on my decisions, so be it. In the end, all that matters
is that mom and baby are healthy, but you better believe I’ll do my darnest to
try and make sure that mom and baby experience birth as naturally as possible
for as long as possible. Part of that process for me, personally, is to be at
peace. In my heart of hearts I know that everything will be fine. I know that
my baby will enter this world and his necessities will be met. He will have
food for his belly, something covering his behind, a flat surface to sleep on,
and he will be so incredibly loved. I know that as he grows, his necessities
will continue to be met. Whatever comes, he will be my baby, and in the eyes of
myself, his daddy, and his heavenly Father, he will be perfect. I know that
I’ve never had a baby before. I know that I won’t know what I’m doing half of
the time, and I know that I’ll make mistakes. But what new mom doesn’t? I’ve
read books, blogs, articles, and magazines, but I know that I will never be
prepared because each stage will be a new one that I’ve never experienced from
this mom side of things before.
I have
truly treasured conversations I have had with some of my best friends who are
recent new moms, and I have enjoyed learning from other older women immensely.
Nevertheless, I have also been victim to words from others that have held no
positive repercussions. Words that were potentially meant for good, but, Satan
used them to turn me back into the burden hoarder I can sometimes be.
While
preparing for a baby about 2,000 of the 2,857 tabs open in the female brain may
be completely justifiable. There are 153 questions that need to be asked to 67
different people, and there are 184 things on the to-do list and the to-get
list, etc. However, if baby comes and 79 of the questions remained unasked or
42 of the things on the to-do list weren't completed…it just really will not be
the end of the world.
In the
midst of the struggle with our very brains, we should remember to stop being
lenders to God, who gives so freely. It’s
time to let Him who is gentle at heart take (and keep) our burdens. I’m so glad
that He is the ultimate One who matters. His thoughts of me mean more than
anyone else’s, and His advice is the only absolute.
Lord,
Take my burdens, for good, please. Keep this baby in my womb for at
least two more weeks, if it is Your will. Help my words lift up and not tear
down. Help me only be lifted up and not allow myself to be torn down by words
that may have good intentions. Take the never-ending thoughts in my brain and
make them thoughts about things that are true, right, noble, pure, lovely, admirable,
excellent, and praiseworthy. Help me to use reason to be prepared for the
future, but help me distinguish legitimate concern from unhealthy anxiety. Teach
me the difference in true need and luxury that this world has made us think is
necessary. Love, love, love you.
Amen.
**If you stuck it out,
thank you for allowing me to vent and preach to myself for a bit. Sometimes
words on a page just help. It’s been that way all my life. Let today be a day
filled with peace that passes all understanding.
God bless.
